Here is one Secret to Great Relationships
Let me begin by telling you that there probably is no one secret to great relationships. There are several things that need to be considered, but for the purpose of this blog post, I am going to focus on just one area that I think has made a tremendous difference in my life.
I really never had great relationships in my past. In fact, every single relationship I’ve ever been in has failed. I imagine that this is really not much different from most other people on the planet. You are going to fail until one day, you don’t.
The secret to great relationships
If I was to pick one thing that has allowed me to form the most amazing relationship with my wife- to-be, Catherine Beagle, it would be this one simple (in theory) thing:
I stopped judging her.
I have worked with many people over the past few years, and the topic of relationships always comes up. People have trouble in relationships, and there are often a lot of emotions that get involved, and it becomes hard to handle sometimes.
This trick helps it to all go away.
The one common pattern that exists in people who have bad relationships is that one, but usually both partners, are constantly focused on what the other person needs to change in their life.
He is always doing this, or she is always doing that…
I hate it when he/she does _____________.
If he/she really loved me then they would ________________.
I’m only going to be with another person unless they do exactly ________________________ and treat me exactly ___________________________.
These expectations that we have of other people are things that really need to be looked at. I found that in my own personal life, these expectations were actually completely unrealistic. The fact that they weren’t being met also alerted to me that maybe the other person’s love for me wasn’t dependent on meeting this long list of demands that I had for them (that no one could ever meet).
I found myself hyper focused on all the things that are wrong with the other person. I had this person who I supposedly loved and cared for so deeply, yet I spent my entire existence focused on what’s wrong with them, and and then made the claim, “well, I just want what’s best for them”.
Focus on what’s “Right” with the person instead of what’s “Wrong”-Robert Leavitt
Or, even worse, my thoughts and words could look more like, “Look at what an A$$HOLE they are..can’t you see how horrible they are? Poor me…”
Listen, I will be the first to tell you that I am still guilty of this in certain situations. I have my own past and my own set of experiences and beliefs that can prompt this need to fix other people in spades, if I’m not careful.
The moment that I stop focusing on what is wrong with the other person. I stop passing judgements, and making assumptions. That’s the the moment that my relationship becomes amazing.
Your Partner Will Never Be Perfect – And You Don’t Deserve Them To Be
The moment that I admit to myself that the other person is not a perfect person, and that I don’t deserve a perfect person in my life, is the day that the whole world can change. I focus on the good things about my partner now, instead of obsessing over the things I don’t like.
If you are currently in a bad relationship with someone, it probably didn’t start out that way. If I was to guess, in the beginning of your relationship when the love was brand new, you were focused on how amazing and wonderful that person was.
You noticed the good qualities most, and those qualities seemed to grow and grow.
But one day, that started to change. And rather than embracing their imperfections, you shifted your perspective and started focusing on what was “wrong” with the other person. Your demands began to no longer be met.
The more you focus on what’s wrong with the person, the more your inner narrative changes, and the more that your opinion of the person changes.
Pay attention to the thoughts you have about the other person, so you can change your opinion of them. Change your opinion of the other person, and you can experience true love.
Not a tyrannically controlling, “I only care about this person if they meet my standards,” kind of love.
But a real love, where your self-manufactured negative emotions disappear.
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